Three years into our marriage, my wife, Trisha, woke up in the middle of the night and realized I wasn’t in bed. She walked out into the living room and as soon as she looked at the TV, I quickly changed the channel.

She began to question me about what I was watching, why I wasn’t in bed, and why I would immediately change the channel. Then came the repeated question: Do you struggle with lust and pornography? The more she asked the more intense the conversation became.

So I denied everything. I told her I was just channel surfing. I argued with her about what she saw. I convinced her that I didn’t struggle with porn or lust. She had nothing to worry about. I was lying.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that night was the first of many opportunities I had over the first 10 years of our marriage to be honest about my porn addiction. I was a pastor and pastors don’t struggle with lust or porn. At least, no other pastor I knew struggled with it, I felt all alone.

The truth was, I wasn’t alone. I had friends I could have talked to. I had accountability partners I lied to. I had other pastors I blew off when asked about sexual sins and struggles.

In my mind, my intentions were good—I was trying to protect my marriage. The reality is, porn was telling me lies and I was buying right into them.

For the amount of people who struggle with this, we don’t talk about it near enough. We don’t talk about it in our families. We don’t talk about it in our churches. We think avoiding it will make it go away. Statistically speaking,over 50 percent of the men reading this post have had exposure to pornography recently. And it’s not just a “man’s problem,” either. About 30 percent of porn users online are women. It isn’t going away.

Here are the three lies porn told me and will tell you as well.

1. That was the last time.

No matter how many times you’ve looked at pornography, that was your last time. Because you truly believe it is your last time buying the magazine, going to the web site, downloading that movie—you don’t need to confess it, because it was the last time. Until tomorrow or next week or next month. It is the last time—until the next time. If porn can convince you that “this time is the last time,” you’ll never tell anyone.

2. You can stop anytime you want.

You know what pornography has done to other marriages, to other friends, to other families, to other church leaders…but you aren’t really “addicted” to pornography. You can stop anytime you want. Besides it doesn’t have the same effect on you that it does on other people. It won’t hurt your life, your marriage, your kids, your church, your ministry like it has other people. You are in control of porn, it doesn’t control you.

3. Confessing your struggle will cost you too much.

Porn wants you to live in secret. Porn causes us to weigh the cost of confessing against the cost of hiding and convinces us that hiding will be less painful. You think you are helping yourself and your marriage by hiding your porn addiction. Your wife—or husband—won’t understand. Your marriage won’t recover. Your credibility won’t be able to be rebuilt. 

Something I’ve learned the hard way: Hiding sin never provides us with the power to overcome it. The freedom you long for is found in confession. Freedom costs something upfront, but not as much as bondage costs over time.

Believing these lies will never give you the power to overcome them. Trying to quit will not give you the power to quit. But freedom is possible.

Here is what I believe with all of my heart: If you struggle with pornography, God isn’t disappointed in you; He is fighting for you. He died and conquered sin and death so you can have victory in this area of your life.

Where do we begin? How can we overcome something that grips our heart and keeps us living in shame and guilt? The first place I suggest everyone that struggles with pornography start is with a Christian counselor. Both my wife and I needed someone with greater perspective and wisdom than we had to help us overcome this struggle in my life.

Beyond that, I want to share one principle with you that I believe has power to bring freedom, hope and healing to your heart. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Healing comes through confession and prayer. I know that sounds very churchy, but take a look at this Scripture: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

The type of confession that James is talking about isn’t a confession for forgiveness; it is confession for healing. There is a healing that comes to our heart as we confess our sins with one another.

Most of us have the “forgiveness” part of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God, we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest, maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God, maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.

We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are “safe” sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, anger and selfishness.

I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.

But here’s 3 truths porn will never tell you:

• Temptation loses its power when we confess. 
• Sin loses its ability to keep us fractured when we confess.
• Addictions lose the control they have in our lives when we confess.
 

The secret sin you keep only has power as it remains a secret. The Light will always overcome darkness. The difficult decision we face is allow that Light into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of our heart. God can’t heal the parts of our heart we refuse to bring into the Light. But when we do, we can be healed.

{February 15, 2013}

Eveline (know as "Ev" by most everyone who knows her) was born and raised in Belgium and moved to the states with her family in 2003. They lived in Colorado Springs for four more years before returning home to Belgium. Nico is a California native who moved to Colorado Springs with his family when he was six years old. He's quickly became involved in the church, including worship, _tag and DSM for most of his school years. He now plays keys for Desperation Band and leads worship for various New Life services.

The two "met" for the first time at the Desperation Conference of 2005. He saw Ev from across the room and was smitten. Being too nervous to talk to the gorgeous redhead, he talked to my friends instead. They later connected over the ever-popular MySpace and, six months later, Nico finally got the courage to talk to Ev. They later started dating and continued to date even as Eveline and her family moved to Belgium.

Thus began the LONG, long-distance relationship. It provided plenty of difficult times; opposite time zones don't prove friendly for young love. However, the two stayed committed to making the relationship work. Trips to and from Europe only strengthened their love for one another.

With much joy and after much waiting, Ev finished college and was offered a teaching position in Colorado Springs in 2011. It didn't take long for Nico to ask the question, bringing the years of waiting into perfect completion. She said "yes!" 

Nico & Ev, we are so grateful to have watched such faithfulness, whether separated by an ocean or together. We pray the Lord's richest blessings over you and your marriage. And we can't wait to see you raise tri-lingual children... 

Why?

Because Jesus says to throw banquets for the poor; those who will never be able to repay. That's reason enough for us.

"But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,  and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Luke 14:13-14

An article from Relevant Magazine.

Life is busy—too busy. Too noisy and complicated and downright distracting. We have everything we could ever want and yet we long for more.

At some point, we have to wonder, as Jack Nicholson did: "Is this as good as it gets?"

Here at the start of a new year, let's consider this. We're all busier than we'd like to be, but there has to be a healthy way to live in the midst of this busyness. The apostle Paul instructed, "Now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation" (2 Cor. 6:2, NIV). In other words, we need to be present to the now—and if we don't, we may miss God's gifts to us.

As a new father, a part-time writer, a full-time husband and guy with a day job, I've had to discipline myself to live in the present. It's not easy, but it is possible. Here are a few simple habits I've learned. 

1. Walks. 

I used to love running. To date, I've participated in two half-marathons. But summers are hot in Tennessee and my son needs my attention at night, so there aren't many windows of time for long runs anymore. One way I find time to exercise is by strapping my baby into his car seat and stroller and going for an hour-long stroll in a nearby park.

There's something spiritual about a walk. C.S. Lewis used to take one every day; I never understood that—until now. When you slow down enough to notice the leaves change color or to hear the birds sing, you transcend the stress and anxiety of what's to come and learn to notice what's already here. Somehow, God feels closer. Maybe He is.

2. Reading... offline.

I love my Kindle; I use it to download an exorbitant amount of e-books, most of which I never end up reading. I even enjoy killing an audiobook on my iPhone during long road trips. As a blogger, I'm a fan of digital media and of using it to spread stories and share information. But I still love print books. 

A different part of your brain and spirit is activated when you pick up a book and stare at actual words on actual pages. It's elemental. You don't merely absorb the content; you experience it. The words do something deeper to you when you can't close out of one screen to open another to check your email.

For years, I tried the whole read-the-Bible-in-a-year thing. I subscribed to blogs and had daily verses emailed to my inbox. I downloaded apps for my iPhone and tried to use technology to make it easy, but it never was. I always got sidetracked or distracted somehow.

Then one day, I picked up an old Bible on a shelf and couldn't put it down. Maybe that's how it was intended to be read.

3. Eat slowly.

Somewhere in my early twenties, I learned to rush through meals. I was late for work or a party or a concert. I didn't have time to slow down, so I sped things up. I started chewing and swallowing food and drink more quickly. This made me eat more, gain weight, get indigestion and forget the fact that food is supposed to be enjoyed.

God gave us mouths and the need for nourishment for the same reason he gave us a Sabbath: to rest. There's something sacred in the slow. This may be the reason why the Bible often talks of feasts and food and wine, or why the psalmist says words can be sweeter than honey. These aren't just metaphors; they're reminders. If we can't stop and notice something as small as a bee, how will we recognize a miracle?

One place to start is to enjoy what you eat. This is a discipline for me, but with each intentional chew, I'm remembering how grateful I am for the food in my mouth..

4. Listen.

The next time you sit down with a friend at Starbucks, do something different: Look them in the eyes, open your ears and pay attention—instead of merely waiting for your turn to talk.

The age of advertising and endless interruptions has shortened our attention spans and led us to think that no message is as important as the one we have. This is narcissism at its worst. If we're not careful, we can rush through an entire conversation without ever really listening. And what happens if the other person does the same? 

One of the most crucial components of our social structure—the ability to connect with other human beings on a personal level and share with them—suddenly becomes a formality. We walk away from those conversations unchanged, which is ultimately not gratifying and just plain selfish.

If there's anything we can take from Scripture about the social habits of Jesus, it's this: He listened—to the woman at the well, to the twelve disciples, to the thief on the cross. Wisdom isn't the ability to dispense witty words at a moment's notice; it's being able to withhold them for the right time. We learn what's really worth saying when we train ourselves to be more than broadcasters.

5. Silence.

This may be the hardest thing to do—to sit and be unproductive. To put away your phone (I have to leave mine in the other room, powered off), turn off the music, hide the laptop and just be.

This isn't reading time or eating time or any other activity time. It's stillness.

At first, the stillness may be unnerving, and that's fine. Let yourself remain in that tension before resolving it. Use the time to think, reflect, pray. If you have to do something, use this time to mow the lawn or go for a walk. But don't take any technology with you; trust yourself with just you and your thoughts. It's not as bad as you might think.

In a culture addicted to the moment—where we have instant access to movies, media, food and even each other—why would we want to wait? Why would we ever consider living in the present? Maybe because that's all we were ever promised.

In the Scriptures, God's voice seems to be silent at times. Before Samuel becomes a prophet, it is said that "the voice of the Lord was rare" in those days. The time between the New and Old Testaments is often referred to as "the 400 years of silence." During these times, people were tempted to believe God had abandoned or forgotten them, but we know in those silent times, God was preparing the people for something incredible.

Maybe the same is true for us—when we slow down and embrace the quiet, we join Him in the process of making all things new, even ourselves.

In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to the Galilean village of Nazareth to a virgin engaged to be married to a man descended from David. His name was Joseph, and the virgin’s name, Mary. Upon entering, Gabriel greeted her:

October 26th - 28th

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